My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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