I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
