Umm I'm too high to move.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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