I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Rumble strips road head = magical
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
