wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
