Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
