Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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