Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
