Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Randomize
