My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
