I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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