I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
