Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
