Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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