For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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