Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
