I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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