who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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