'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
