i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
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