I look better un-naked...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
