I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
