We're facebook friends in real life
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
