My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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