Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
