I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
