if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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