happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
