Fine. I'll sleep in my office
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
