I accidentally had phone sex last night
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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