you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Ladies don't puke and tell
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
