Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
