They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
