I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
high people should be assigned attendants
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
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