Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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