i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
pop tarts are not kleenex
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
