Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Randomize
