i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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