i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Let's paint friendship bongs
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
