A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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