You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
