Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
