Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
