btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
The best revenge is premature balding
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Randomize
