She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
