My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
