Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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