I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
