sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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