four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
